Today’s society has changed and is changing rapidly. It is difficult in these times, to find authentic connection to others, yet I hear almost daily, that people want more friendships or just real connection with others. Social media, with all of it’s positives, is also not always realistic. People tend to post the highlights of their lives and present only their “best selves.” Many people find themselves comparing their lives to other’s on social media and end up feeling low self-esteem as a result. Realize this is not true connection and it is not truly fulfilling. Watching other’s posting what looks like their “perfect family” or “great adventures” only shows one side of the other person. If we are personally struggling emotionally, financially or having an existential crisis, comparing yourself to other people’s posts, only causes more harm.
During COVID-19 we rarely meet face to face or have a cup of coffee with our friends. These are the little moments that create true connection. Texting each other is now more popular than ever. What used to be a phone call is now reduced to a few text’s that lack the meaning and fulfilling nature of face-to-face interaction.
Our society used to consist of; staying in the same town with family, only one parent working while the other stayed with their children, less available information and news, as well as overall less busy lives. We were meant to live within a sort of “tribe” that knows us at the deepest level and we were meant to interact with these people throughout our whole day, every day. If you compare society with the old “tribal” model, we are far from being fulfilled socially. These days we move away from family, work non-stop, have access to instant information and negative news, and communicate in an artificial way that cannot meet are deepest desires to feel a sense of belonging.
We wonder why we are more depressed than ever, why we have higher suicide rates, which continue to rise, and experience more violence and mass shootings by teenagers. If you watch the news daily, you may believe that the world is unsafe and that the only direction our society is headed is down. We rarely hear a positive news story because we are naturally drawn to the drama of negative news. If you work from home, as many do during COVID-19, it is becoming even more difficult. This change is not just affecting adults, but our children, who are being taught via the internet during these strange times, cannot even whisper during class or meet between classes for a short conversation.
The question now is, how do we connect to others in a meaningful way? These days, we need to be more conscious and put more effort into putting the meaning back into social interactions. Technology, with all of its issues, can be a lifeline right now. Using applications like Zoom or Facetime can give us more information such as tone of voice, body language and gestures. Although these seem minor, they have a major impact on adding meaning to a conversation. What cannot be communicated via text or email, can be communicated by meeting face to face over the internet.
One thought is that we need to plan and put more effort into the act of communicating. Since we are not around each other organically anymore, we must put more thought into staying connected in a meaningful way. Having a weekly Zoom or Facetime meeting with family and friends can significantly impact your mental health in a positive way. It may seem contrived, yet this little effort can make a huge difference in how you feel during these crazy times. The old method of phone calls can also substitute for running into friends at work or at your child’s school. These are the little acts, we used to take for granted, and were unaware of the meaning prior to wearing masks and the “stay at home” orders. It may be important to schedule these events with people that matter in your life in order to maintain the connection and to feel connected.
If you are a bit of an introvert, as I am, reaching out to others may seem unnatural, but this is the time to reach out to people and ask if they might like to take a walk (with masks and 6 feet apart.) You may not know your neighbors well, but this is a great excuse to see if neighbors want to connect. If you fear rejection, let it go. The effort you put into others may make the difference between depression and feeling somewhat normal.
Another idea is a therapist! Therapy can help you have deeper and more meaningful connection with others. Just learning about yourself and practicing vulnerability with a therapist helps you connect to others in more meaningful ways. Many of my clients see unexpected changes in friendships because they learn how to let go of how other’s view them and express in a more meaningful way. Vulnerability deepens relationships. If you think about your good friends, you don’t love them because they are perfect, but because they share all parts of themselves. We don’t like being around people who do not share the imperfect parts of themselves, but do enjoy people who feel real. So, therapy can help you become more authentic, which draws people to you. It seems counter intuitive but people are drawn to others who seem human, faults and all. When we can laugh at our flaws, others feel more comfortable around you. Therapy helps with authenticity and learning to let go of shame and laugh at ourselves. Therapy gives us the gift of becoming more comfortable in our own skin as we learn to become more authentic and real.
So, try these ideas and see if small changes make a significant change in your life. Remember this strange time will pass but the changes you make are significant, which allows for deeper connection to others.