The Truth About Relationships

I spend a great deal of time with couples, discussing relationships. I have found that most conflict boils down to a willingness to be vulnerable with one another. It sounds so easy, and yet it takes insight, courage and bringing light to your own shame. We all carry shame, which most likely started at a very early age. This shame motivates us to hide behind anger, blame and our ego. Being in a healthy relationship takes emotional maturity.

Most of us are not taught about emotions at an early age and experiences in our lives have created pockets of shame, resentment and pain. In relationships with others, this pain may be triggered, and instead of taking time out to explore the origin of this pain, we tend to lash out in anger at those around us. We use blame as a way to hide the most vulnerable parts of ourselves.

Imagine a conflict between partners, where one is angry. Maybe a partner is angry because his or her partner is spending too much time on their own pursuits. Maybe a husband is spending most of his time playing video games and the other partner is reacting with anger. It is easy to lash out in anger and say, “You’re wasting time and I’m sick of it.” If you are the partner who is lashing out, this seems reasonable. Yet, we have to ask ourselves what is underneath this anger. Is it possible that you have a deep wound about being abandoned? Or a wound of not being seen by a previous partner or parent? 

Often, I advise clients to take a time out before you speak to your partner with blame. Sitting with yourself to try and understand where this anger is coming from is key to healing yourself and approaching this situation in a mature emotional manner. I advise clients to take time when angry, to figure out their own part in the problem. If you are aware of your own deeper issues and willing to admit to your deeper fears, it allows a productive conversation, which brings couples together instead of pulling them apart with blame and anger. An example of this conversation might sound like, “I’ve noticed you have been spending more time playing video games lately. I know you really enjoy it, but I have been feeling triggered and it reminds me of how I felt as a child. My biggest fear is the thought of losing our connection and I guess I just miss you.”

Now imagine the above statement and compare that to a typical reaction of anger. How might the above statement change the conversation? In the above statement, the partner has expressed vulnerability and has taken responsibility for their own issues. This person has avoided creating conflict by lashing out in anger, but instead, has created an opening for a conversation that will most likely lead to bringing the relationship closer. Counseling individually or as a couple can teach you how to spend less time in anger and create the closeness and intimacy, we all seek in a relationship. If you choose to seek true intimacy, becoming authentic is the only option and it is ultimately freeing to let go of shame and embrace your true self, flaws and all!